The Parody of Escaflowne
by Dilly-Oh
Summary: Prepare to enjoy the Escaflowne anime series, totally altered and re-written for your humorous enjoyment! Hitomi is a perfectly normal psychic girl, until she's kidnapped by Van and taken to the crappy world of Gaea! Will she ever escape this world of lameness? A revamp of my earlier works, souped up with more humor out of sheer boredom. Reviews are welcome!
1. Episode 1: Effed Up Confession

Author's Note: So I was re-reading my fanfic series for Escaflowne out of sheer boredom and thought to myself, "Wow, these are pretty horrible." Well, maybe they're not _horrible_, but I know I can do much better now that I've gotten alot more experience brutally dismembering- er, I mean, _spoofing_ classic animes. Come on, after fifty chapters of Blood+, and twenty-five of Blue Exorcist? I got this shit. So I've decided to re-do my Escaflowne series, seeing as it's my first and oldest series I mocked, and therefore I feel like I owe it to make it better. This is the first re-written chapter, and I'll slowly be uploading new ones. There's no set release dates (once a week, once a month, etc), I'll just be doing them whenever I'm bored/have the time. I don't mind if no-one reads them, either, it's more for myself than anyone else. Off I go!

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 1

Eff-ed Up Confession

"Geez, where_ is_ that girl?!" Yukari snapped from her seat on the bleachers. Stretching out her aching legs, she glanced around the outdoor track-field furtively. Athletes stood here and there on the sidelines, warming up for their runs, but none of them was the girl she was looking for. "She's _always_ late. Late for practice, late for lunch, late for her period– oh. Wait. I'm not supposed to tell anyone about that. Forget I said anything!" She cleared her throat and continued looking.

Not too far off, cries of "Excuse me!", "Gang way!", and "Outta mah way, bi-otch, before I bust ya _face_!" could be heard as Hitomi Kanzaki, our adorably tom-boyish heroine, hurriedly made her way across the schoolyard, heading to practice.

"Why am I always late?" She gasped aloud while shoving a pint-sized underclassman out of the way and into the path of oncoming traffic. Oblivious to the ensuing shrieks of pain and screeching of tires, she continued, "I'm late for practice, late for lunch, late for my period – oh. Wait. That was just a false alarm. Forget I said that!"

Drawing herself up as she approached the stairs, she sprang easily into the air and landed gracefully in slow motion onto the pavement below. Abruptly, there was a loud *_snap_!* and Hitomi fell to the ground, screaming and clutching her ankle in agony. Shortly afterward, an ambulance pulled up and, after the paramedics placed her thrashing body on a stretcher, transported her to the nearest available hospital.

About an hour and a thousand dollars later, Hitomi came hobbling down the steps of her previously failed attempt at a good first impression and slowly made her way over to Yukari, who glared at her impatiently, hands on her hips.

"Wanna sign my cast-" Hitomi began.

"No I do NOT wanna sign you stupid- _OHMYGODIT'SHIM_!" Yukari suddenly squealed in delight and grabbed Hitomi's arm, shaking her violently. "Look, look! It's…it's…_Justin Bieber_!" Her squeal rose to ear-piercing proportions as Hitomi winced and tugged her arm back.

"Um…don't you mean it's _Amano_?"

"What? Oh. Right." Yukari blushed in embarrassment. "…You gotta admit they look alike." Hitomi stared at her.

"…No they don't."

"Yes, they do, a little!" Yukari pressed. "Look, he's lining up!"

"They're not even the same _race_-"

"JUST SHUT UP AND OGLE YOUR CRUSH YOU STUPID WHORE!"

"OKAY FINE!" Hitomi turned to swoon at a tall, long-haired boy lining up with the others at one end of the track. "_Daaamn_, those short-shorts should be outlawed! Baby got BACK!" She shouted aloud. "I'd climb up them legs like a LADDER!" She finished off with a loud wolf whistle.

"…I thought you said you were gonna be subtle," Yukari said, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah fuck it," Hitomi shot back.

Amano bent over – Hitomi opened her mouth again but stopped at a look from her friend – and shot from his mark as the starting pistol sounded. Blasting past all the others, he easily took first place and streaked across the finish line, turning to wink at the girls-

_*Snap!*_

Amano fell to the ground, frothing at the mouth and clutching his ankle.

"…Well you two certainly have something in common!" Yukari said as the ambulance pulled away with Amano in back. "Come on, it's your turn. Why don't you show off your well-toned thighs?" Without even a 'you're pretty' or buying her a drink, she seized Hitomi's pants and whipped them down to reveal-

"_YUKARI_!"

"Oops. I got your undies too. My bad."

…EVERYTHING.

"I'm gonna _kill_ you!" Hitomi yanked her shorts and panties back up, face crimson in mortification. "Thank _God_ I shaved…" Yukari blinked.

"Wait what-"

"My legs!"

"…Alright then."

Leaving her friend's side, Hitomi took her mark at the starting line with the other girl athletes, ready for her turn to race.

"On your marks!"

Hitomi bent over, and inconspicuously, her pink pendant fell out from beneath her shirt and hung free for all to see. Hey – it's not like its _important_ or anything, right? Hitomi quickly tucked it back into the safety of her shirt.

*_Bang_!*

Hitomi sprang from her mark, pedaling her strong legs as fast as she could, and quickly took the lead.

"You go, girl!" Yukari cheered from the sidelines, hopping up and down in excitement. "I'd tots go gay for you!"

As Hitomi neared the finish line, a strange flash of light suddenly blinded her vision, and a young man with dark hair and strange armor stood before her.

"Hot DAMN!" Hitomi thought to herself as she closed the gap between them. "Forget Amano! Who's this tall glass of-" Strangely, however, she simply passed _through_ the boy as she approached, instead of full-body tackling him like she so desperately wanted. "…Nothing? Son of a…!" The disappointment was too great, and Hitomi's senses left her as she fell unconscious and collapsed.

Strange figures and images drifted through Hitomi's mind as she slept. The young hotty she had just seen stood in a dark room in front of a gargantuan, grizzled man with scars on his face.

"Okay, prince, be a good lil' boy and go kill a dragon. Try to be back before supper. We're having _hamburgers_!" The large man grunted. "Also, try not to _be_ supper, like your loser brother."

The young man glanced sharply at him, face twisting in fury. "My _brother_? I _have_ no brother! He shames our family name! He is a disgrace, a miscreant, a–" The strange scene began to fade out as darkness crept in.

"Wait I'm not done yet I just found a thesaurus!"

Another vision danced into sight, this one of giant robot-things battling under a blood red sky, surrounded by crumbling towers.

"Holy freaking _crap_." Hitomi said in awe. "What did those people at the hospital GIVE me?" She paused. "I totally want some more." The ground beneath her feet crumbled, and she fell screaming into blackness. "Wait I was kidding!" A winged specter suddenly appeared from high above and swooped down to save her, gently catching her hand. "…For the third time today, _DAAAMN_!" The scene began to fade away again. "Just when it was getting good!"

Hitomi slowly opened her eyes and looked around in a haze of sleep. She was in the high school infirmary, tucked in bed, and – _sweet shit_! Amano was sitting right next to her! What was he doing here? Quick, how did she look? Did her breath smell? Did she have B.O.? Did she have a wardrobe malfunction? Wait, that might help-

"Hey, Hitomi!" Amano said, breaking the awkward silence. "I brought you here after you fainted on the racetrack. Don't ask HOW I did it with my broken ankle." Hitomi noticed his fluorescent-pink cast and resisted the urge to write her number on it. "Anyway, are you okay? You aren't bulimic or anything, are you?" She smiled at his concern. "Because I've got some tips for you-"

"Wait WHAT-"

"How else do you think I keep this dynamite figure?" Amano asked in exasperation, gesturing to all of himself grandly. Hitomi frowned at him.

"…Tai-Bo?"

"Oh, I'll Tai _your_ Bo, baby," Amano crooned, leaning close. "Wanna know how else I keep fit?"

"…Prunes?" Hitomi guessed again as he loomed over her.

"_Vag-block_!" Yukari hollered as she violently kicked open the door and froze upon finding Hitomi and Amano in a very precarious position.

"It's not what you think!" Hitomi began desperately.

"It's _exactly_ what you think!" Amano finished. "…Wanna join us?"

Yukari stared at them for several long moments before seizing Hitomi and dragging her the hell outta there.

"Call me!" Amano yelled after them.

-Later-

"What the hell was THAT?" Yukari asked as the two girls walked home after school.

"I really, _really_ don't know." Hitomi scrunched her face in confusion. "Did I just score?"

"The only thing YOU scored was another point in the WHORE book-"

"Oh my God nothing happened!" Hitomi protested. "And don't you _dare_ go around telling everyone like last time! Boys are _still_ calling me! I'm gonna have to change my number!"

"Well, I _can_ forget about what I saw…" Yukari said slyly, "for…say…fifty bucks."

"Fifty bucks! Are you crazy?! I thought you were my friend!" Hitomi cried in outrage.

"Naw…I'm just kidding." Yukari smiled back. "I'll take your cheesecake."

"MY _CHEESECAKE_?!" Hitomi stopped in her tracks, even more appalled than before. "You sick BITCH! You _know_ how much I love cheesecake – more than Amano, I'll tell you that much – and you want to take that joy away from me?! How can you- "

"Y'know, Hitomi," Yukari said out of the blue, "You should tell Amano how you feel about him."

"I…do…happen…cheesecake…_WHAT_?!" Hitomi mumbled in confusion over the sudden change of subject. "I…I can't do that! I'm not ready! Why bring that up now?!" Yukari gave her a serious look.

"Because Amano's _leaving_." Hitomi gasped. "_Overseas_." Hitomi gurgled. "_Tomorrow_." Hitomi clutched at her chest. "You'll probably _never_ see him again." Hitomi was frantically pounding at her breast, trying to make her heart function again. "_EVER_." Hitomi fell to the ground in spasms before slipping into a coma. "Hitomi?" She twitched a couple times. "…You're taking this pretty well."

-That Night, at Hitomi's House-

"Ugh," Hitomi sighed, sitting down at her desk. "What a day. Thank God Yukari knows CPR. And she's a _surprisingly_ good kisser. Must have to do with that gay thing she said before- but anyway! I might as well do a reading on Amano and I…"

She took out her pack of Tarot Cards and began, placing the cards on the desk and discerning the hidden meanings.

"Hmm, let's see…Ace of Serpents…the Tower card…do not pass-go, do not collect- how the hell did that get in there?" Suddenly she gasped aloud. "No! It looks like what Yukari said about Amano is true! He really _is_ leaving! What do I do now?" She thought back to her and Yukari's previous conversation. "I guess I _should_ tell him how I feel…" Suddenly she squinted her eyes and peered closer at the cards. "Wait what's this about Amano having a wig-"

-The Next Day, After School-

"Amano!" Hitomi called out, running fast across the track yard to catch up with her crush. "Wait! Don't leave yet!" Amano turned and waited for her.

"What is it? Wanna pick up where we left off?" He grinned and raised an eyebrow suggestively. Hitomi ignored the inappropriate behavior and plowed on.

"I want to ask you something before you leave." She held out her pendant, which sparkled in the setting sun. "If I can break my record of 13 seconds for the 100 meter dash, would you please-"

"Take your virginity?" Amano finished for her.

"No!" Hitomi said, horrified. "I want-"

"Oh, you're not a virgin? Goody for me then, it'll make things easier-"

"That's not what I-"

"Alright, fine. You want to make out? Do a strip-tease? French kiss a little? C'mon, what am I looking at, here?"

"A KISS! An innocent, chaste, closed-mouth kiss! That's all! Okay?! Geez!" Hitomi hollered. Amano frowned deeply as he contemplated this.

"You don't have herpes, do you?"

"Okay I am seriously reconsidering my feeling for y-"

"VAG-BLOCK!"

Suddenly the track lights snapped on, illuminating the deepening darkness.

"My_ eyes_!" Hitomi screamed.

"My _hair_!" Amano shrieked.

"Whoops, sorry." Yukari blushed sheepishly, stepping away from the light switches and waving a hand. "Hitomi! Look!" She held up a bag. "I coincidently brought your gym bag full of everything you'll need in the unlikely event of an abduction to a faraway land! You probably won't even be_ needing_ it, right?"

"Thanks!" Hitomi mumbled, pulling her jacket off over her head. Now properly dressed for the occasion in track attire, she took her mark at the start of the track and bent over. Amano raised his hand and let Hitomi's pendant swing free, counting the seconds.

"Go!" He cried. "One! Two! Uh…eleventeen?"

Hitomi took off and set her sights on the finish line in the distance. She closed in fast as she mentally squealed in delight at the thought of getting her first kiss from Amano. Hold on did she brush her teeth that morning-

Suddenly, that all-too-familiar flash of light returned, with a _vengeance_. Striking the ground in front of her like a bolt of lighting, the attractive young lad appeared again, decked in his strange armor and sword.

"No!" Hitomi cried hysterically. "Not _now_! I know you're hot and all but this is my first kiss! From Amano! Can't this _wait_? Thank God you're not real, so I can just-"

*_THUD_!*

"…break my face on you," Hitomi finished as she slammed into the boy and fell back hard on her fanny. "…and my butt, too."

"No!" Amano wailed in dismay. "Those are the best parts!" Yukari smacked him upside the head. Hitomi looked up at the newly-arrived stranger.

"What's the deal?! Who are you? I thought you were just a _fantasy_- "

"_Excuse_ me?!" Amano hotly intervened, glaring down at the boy. "Hitomi, I thought _I_ was your only sexual fantasy- unless you're cool with a three-way-"

"There seems to be_ no _intelligent life on this planet…" The stranger grumbled to himself.

"What's going on?!" Yukari asked as she ran over. "Oh, not another one, Hitomi!"

"Can it, Yukari! Answer me! Who _are_ you?" Hitomi demanded.

"I am Van of Fanelia..." The boy said dramatically, cocking an eyebrow at her. "And you'd better clear out of here. There's a_ dragon_ coming." He paused for effect.

*_Chirp chirp_!*

Van cleared his throat and repeated, a little louder, "I _said_, there's a _dragon_ coming."

Now even the crickets were silent. Hitomi and Yukari exchanged confused glances. Amano coughed nervously and scratched his balls. Van growled impatiently and turned towards the shadows.

"_HEY_! DRAGON! Get your scaly ass over here! Stop making me look like a dick!"

A deep bellow of rage and earth-shattering footsteps immediately issued from a forest that had strangely sprung up from nowhere. A huge brown dragon lumbered from the trees, snarling in anger. Reptilian eyes blinking in the light, it fastened its hungry gaze on Van and roared once again.

"_That_ got its attention." Van smiled in satisfaction. He glanced back at the others. "Now, don't worry. You just have to remain perfectly calm, don't scream, and don't make any sudden movements so as not to upset- "

"_RUNNNN! DRAGON! RUUUUUNNNN_!" Hitomi, Yukari, and Amano all screamed at the top of their lungs, wind-milling their arms and running in circles in their panic. The dragon immediately roared and slammed its powerful tail into Van's gut, doubling him over in agony.

"Thanks bunches, guys." He gasped out, spitting blood. Gathering himself, he pulled a crossbow from somewhere on his person. "I'll pay you back an _eye_ for an _eye_," he said cheesily as he accurately shot out one of the dragon's eyes ("Oh my God that was a good one-" "No it wasn't shut UP Amano!"). The beast screamed in pain, then countered with belching fire onto the vulnerable warrior. Van, luckily, was safe and sound behind his nifty-looking shield.

Hitomi, Yukari, and Amano seized their chance to make a quick getaway. Well, it _would _have been quick, except…

"Oh! My ankle!" Yukari went down in a heap.

"C'mon, get up! You can make it!" Hitomi urged. Yukari complied.

"Oh! My_ other_ ankle!" She collapsed again.

"Get UP, Yukari! You can do this!" Hitomi hauled her back up. "Let's go before the dragon gets us!"

"Oh! _Both_ my ankles!" And down again.

"YOU'RE ON THE FUCKING TRACK TEAM, YUKARI!"

"I'M JUST THE MANAGER!"

"For goodness _sake_! Get on!" Amano scooched down to allow Yukari to clamber onto his back. "Why does this _always_ have to happen during a dramatic scene- is that a C-cup I feel?"

The three quickly ran towards the nearby hilltop temple and headed up the stairs.

"We'll be safe up here!" Amano told the girls with unshakeable confidence. "There's no _way_ that dragon can climb up these stairs!" Hitomi rolled her eyes.

"Yeah because apparently even Yukari can't-" she muttered.

"LAY OFF ME!"

Back with Van and the dragon, things weren't going so well. Having lost interest in Van, the dragon swept its remaining eye in the direction of the three escapees and started after them, growling in hunger. Van intervened.

"Not so fast, big boy!" He snapped out a cool-looking hook thing from his arm and succeeded in catching onto the dragon's scaly back as it took off. Pulling a cowboy hat out, he began to ride it like a rodeo bull. "Yeehaw! Ride 'em, cowboy!" Rodeo clowns leapt up from their chairs at a table and tried to distract the dragon by running around, shouting and waving their arms, but to no avail. The dragon, after snatching up one of the hapless clown for a quick snack, charged past without a second glance. Coming to the stairs previously appraised by Amano, it leapt into the air and used the gate poles as a quick and easy means of transportation.

"Okay, I changed my mind. I don't want to kiss you anymore," Hitomi told Amano as she watched the approaching dragon heave itself up after them. "I want to punch you. Repeatedly."

"But I was_ sure_ it would work!" Amano whined.

"It made it EASIER!"

"Enough!" Van cried from atop the dragon. He leapt off and readied his sword before the beast. "Come on! Let's finish this!" The dragon growled in agreement, fangs flashing in the moonlight.

Hitomi gasped and closed her eyes as a sudden image popped into her head. She saw the result of the battle; the dragon using its tail to impale the boy like a human shish kabob!

"I have to help him!" She shoved past the others and ran down the stairs. "Hey! You! Hot Stuff! Watch out for the TAIL!"

"Watch out for the what now?" Van turned to see what the weird girl was hollering about. Luckily enough for him, that move saved his life. The dragon narrowly missed him with the deadly downward sweep of its tail and simply ripped off the boy's armor, stapling it to the ground. Van stood still for several seconds, blinking rapidly.

"I could have _sworn_ I had on some armor a few seconds ago," he stated matter-of-factly. "Wait a second. Yes I was!" He rounded on the dragon, face darkening in anger. "That was my best Fanelian armor! Do you know how much that _costs_?! I saved up for a YEAR! Prepare to die!" So saying, he leapt up and over the tail of the dragon and sliced it a new ass as well as a new stomach, chest cavity, and throat.

"Yay! He killed the dragon!" Hitomi cheered. "_He's_ the one I want a kiss from!" She hesitated upon seeing the copious amount of steaming dragon's blood covering him. "Um…maybe later. After he bathes and stuff. And maybe brushes his hair a little."

Van adjusted the grip on his blade and expertly slashed open the dragon's chest, pulling out…

"Yes! My very own Drag-Energist! Worship me!" He crowed, holding his prize aloft. Hitomi's face was a mask of horror.

"…I think that's its _spleen_."

"What?" Van looked up and saw the glistening organ. "Oh, ew. Wrong one. Okay, let's see…" He rummaged about inside the carcass for several moments before finally locating his prize. He pulled the Drag-Energist free, which turned out to be a pink crystal ball.

"Is that bling?" Hitomi asked, stepping close. "It looks like bling."

"Hmph!" Van snorted at her rudely. "Listen, _girl_. I didn't need your help to kill that dragon. I could have done it by myself!"

"You know what else you can go do by yourself?" Hitomi retorted. "_Fuck_."

"…I don't get it," Amano said blankly. Yukari rolled her eyes.

"She's telling him to go fuck himself, stupid."

"_Ohhhhhhh_- hey!"

With no warning, that familiar beam o' light suddenly appeared again and surrounded Hitomi and Van. "Beam me up, Scotty!" Van cried, ready to return to the mother ship. They both began to float upwards, into the sky.

"Help! Get me down!" Hitomi shrieked as she rose. "Wait how the hell did you get that reference-"

"I'll get you down!" Amano dumped Yukari off his back with a squawk and ran for her, but she was already too high up. "Hitomi! What should I- oh WOW that's a great angle! Stay like that!"

"QUIT PEEKING AT MY GOODS AND GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!" Hitomi hollered at him, trying to adjust her skirt. Her pendent drifted free of Amano's clutches and into her waiting hands.

"Here, Hitomi!" Yukari called from the ground, tossing her bag into the beam as well. "You've got your gym bag, which is chock-full of everything you'll need in this type of emergency! You'll be fine!"

"Bitch, did you KNOW this was gonna happen?!" Hitomi yelled back down.

"What?!"

"Because if you DID, I will– "

*_THUD_!*

"OOF!" Hitomi grunted, then gingerly rubbed her stinging rear. "Y'know, nothing really_ tops_ a shitty day off like breaking you ass _twice_ after fainting, having vivid hallucinations, not getting kissed by your crush, and almost getting eaten by a dragon."

"You forgot getting treated like shit by a hot stranger," Van added.

"Oh gee thanks. That too," she snapped at him. She glanced around and found herself in the middle of nowhere. And 'nowhere' was a meadow with two freaky-ass moons in the sky and darkness all around and who the fuck knows what in the darkness.

"Wh…where the hell am I?!" Hitomi cried, glancing around in fear. "What is this place? And…where the HELL is that freaky music coming from?!" The music sounded like Gregorian Monks singing a chant out of thin air.

"_Eeeeesssscccaaaaafflllooooownnneeee…..Eeeessscccaaaaffflooowwwwnne_…" They sang.

"Uh, yeah. They do that a lot. You get used to them." Van explained with a shrug.

"I SWEAR, if _one_ more freaky thing happens I'm gonna- " Hitomi was cut short by the snarling of animals in the shadows. Around the pair, glowing eyes shone from the darkness, staring at them hungrily. "…I'm not sure what I'm gonna do, but I think it's 'piss myself'."

-Episode 1 End-


	2. Episode 2: Girl From the Messed-Up Moon

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 2

The Girl From the Messed-Up Moon

Hitomi Kanzaki shivered in fear as the glowing eyes surrounding her and Van crept closer and closer, deep growls from the shadows growing louder. Van gave her a comforting look.

"Chill, girl," he soothed. "They're cool. Heel, Ruhm!" He gestured to one of the growling animals, which, upon closer observation, turned out to be an animal-_man_. His whole body was covered in brown fur, but otherwise, he seemed quite human. Hitomi gaped at him in shock. Still snarling wildly, the animal-man stepped closer and stood upright.

"_Grrr….gnnkkkk….hrrrrgh_…" After coughing aloud and clearing his throat, Ruhm continued in a perfectly normal voice. "_Ahem_. Sorry 'bout that. I've got some _serious_ sinus problems. Gets pretty congested up in there. And I mean that thick dark green snot that-"

"That's disgusting, man," Van stated matter-of-factly, cutting him off. He nodded towards Hitomi. "Ruhm, shake." The animal-man turned to the girl and smiled in a friendly fashion, holding out a paw-hand.

"Hello, little lady," he greeted. "My name's Ruhm, and _I'm gonna GET you_…"

"_Ohmygoshohmygosh_-" Hitomi's life began to flash before her eyes.

"…a nice ride to Van's hometown in my wagon! C'mon!" Ruhm finished in a cheery tone. Hitomi's heart began beating regularly as she gasped in relief. Slowly, she shook his hand and stood up.

"I told you they were nice," Van pointed out again as he climbed into the back of Ruhm's nearby wagon. Hitomi nervously followed suit and sat beside him.

"Now, be careful back there," Ruhm told her as he sat in the front and took the reins. "Try not to mess up my wagon, _or else I'll be forced to_…"

"_Ohnohnohno_-" Hitomi's body shook all over.

"…ask you nicely to not do it again! Haw haw haw!" Ruhm chortled and snapped the reins. As the yaks drawing the cart started forward, he glanced back at the pair. "Really, though. If you mess up my wagon, I'll kill you."

"Aha…hahahaha…" Hitomi laughed weakly.

"I'm dead serious this time."

"_Oh God_."

-A Short While Later-

"So, little lady, where are you from?" Ruhm asked over his shoulder. Hitomi gulped nervously as the cart jostled beneath her, traveling over the bumpy dirt road.

"Uh, I'm from-" she began.

"Oh no wait lemme make this easier." Ruhm leaned close to her rear and gave it a loud sniff. "Oh, _ho_! You're from the Messed-Up Moon, eh?"

"Whoa _what_?!" Hitomi jumped up and clapped her hands over her bum. "What're you _doing_?!"

"Learning more about you. Let's see." He sniffed again. "You're also a Sagittarius, slightly lactose-intolerant, and you've been constipated for two days now."

"Whu- buh- _how are you doing that_?!"

"He won't teach me," Van said glumly. "No matter _how_ many times I ask."

Hitomi sat down in the back of the wagon and began rocking back and forth.

"I wanna go home, I wanna go home, I wanna go home…"

"Sheesh, what's with HER?" Van rolled his eyes at Ruhm, who shrugged.

"Look. That up there is the Messed-Up Moon," Ruhm said, pointing up at the sky. "Pretty, ain't it?" Hitomi glanced up and was shocked to see the Earth floating right up there in the sky, along with another, smaller moon beside it.

"How have those drugs from the hospital _not_ worn off yet?" She moaned pitiably. "What did they _give_ me?"

"Ruhm, PLEASE teach me-"

"I said no!"

-The Next Day-

"We're here!" Ruhm cried, reining his yaks in. Dawn had broken, and the land was awash with early morning light. "Look, girly! This is Fanelia!" Hitomi peeked over the wagon's edge and gasped in awe.

Fanelia was a sprawling town located amidst enormous mountains, lush forests surrounding the many houses and buildings. Windmills dotted the hills, turning lazily in the breeze. Townsfolk went about their business and began to gather around the new arrivals.

"Ahh…Fanelia." Van took a deep breath and sighed in contentment. "It's _great_ to be home!" He leapt out of the wagon, slipped in yak manure, and his face promptly made acquaintances with the ground. Their meeting was rather…intimate. "…I take that back. It could be better."

Hitomi was all too happy to also get out of the wagon since her previously twice-broken ass hadn't made the ride any nicer, not to mention Ruhm's menacing presence had made it impossible for her to sleep. Or breathe.

Van slowly picked himself up off the ground and dusted his shirt off. Townsfolk clustered around the boy, smiling and waving. Van smiled back, face warming with-

"_LORD VAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNN_!"

"OKAY FUCK THIS PLACE." Van leapt back into the wagon and punched Ruhm's shoulder. "GO MAN GOGOGO-"

"GOTCHA!" A red-haired cat-girl in a yellow dress shot out of the crowd and tackled Van right off of the wagon with impressive agility. She giggled and snuggled with him on the ground. "Did you _really_ think you could escape me?"

"…Nothing can escape you, Merle," Van mumbled unhappily. "Not even light." Merle dragged him up by the collar and began licking his face in joy.

"Ugh, she probably just finished _cleaning_ herself," Hitomi thought privately (*_BADUM-CHING_*).

"I missed you SO much, Lord Van!" The cat-girl gushed. "I prayed so hard for your safe return, even slaughtered and sacrificed a goat-"

"Okay, Merle, you just crossed the line from 'sweet' to 'you need fucking _help'_," Van said slowly, eyeing her.

"Hey, at least I didn't use a baby!" She snapped.

"Only because I stopped you last time!" Van snapped back.

Before Hitomi could even begin to comprehend what the two were talking about, several burly men, including the large grizzled one with scars from her previous vision, came out of the crowd and approached Van.

"The Samurai…!" Merle reluctantly let go of him and retreated a few steps.

"Better late than never, Prince Van. I'm glad to see that you're not mince meat, like your brother," the scarred man said in a gruff voice. "Also there's no more hamburgers-"

"My…_brother_?" A menacing look came into Van's eyes and he scowled. "I said it before, Balgus, I _have_ no brother! He's a loser, a vagabond, a-"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Balgus cut him off. "Now about those hamburgers, GodDAMN they were good-"

"Wait I wrote down some really good ones-"

"Look, just show us that Drag-Energist thingie you got from the dragon to prove you're not a pansy-ass wuss."

"B…but I don't _need_ the Energist to prove I'm not a -" Van began.

"Actually you kinda DO." The other Samurai all grumbled in assent as well.

Van, looking rather offended, pulled out the pink crystal and held it aloft for all to see. The crowd oohed and aahed at the sight and clapped their hands. Hitomi joined in after a moment, wondering what all the fuss was about.

"Wonderful, Lord Van." Balgus took the sphere from Van and nodded in satisfaction. "Let us prepare a feast for your coronation as King of Fanelia." He paused, considering. "I'm thinking hamburgers."

-Later That Day-

Later that day (where have I heard that before?), the esteemed warriors of Fanelia, the Samurai, began warming up their Guymelefs (huge robot things) for the upcoming tournament in celebration of Prince Van's coronation. One, a rather distinguished Guymelef with a large skull on its crotchular area, took the liberty of stopping and saying aloud, "Look, guys. I have a boner. Get it? There's a skull on my crotch so it's like I have a-"

"For goodness _sakes_, man!" Another Samurai hollered from his own melef. "If it wasn't funny the_ first_ time, what makes you think it'll be funny the next _seventeen_ times?! _God_, I hope I get to fight against you! I am kicking your ASS!"

"…That was uncalled for."

-With Hitomi-

Hitomi gazed out the window at the mid-morning sky and sighed. The kind people of Fanelia were letting her stay at this house for free, because apparently they didn't take Mastercard or Mcdonald's coupons, which was all that she had on her. Hitomi felt the ache of homesickness in her stomach and thought maybe she had had too many pancakes that morning.

"Yukari…Amano…I miss you guys…" She murmured, closing her eyes and letting her head tip forward. Her mind began to wander and her body relaxed, drifting off into-

"Wake up, skank." A sharp voice snapped her back to reality. Hitomi shrieked and flung herself away from the windowsill to see the cat-girl, Merle, climb in from the roof and stare at her obscenely.

"What do _you_ want?!" Hitomi cried in surprise.

"I just wanted to tell you…" Merle said menacingly, crossing her arms, "to step off my MAN." Hitomi blinked at her.

"…Are we going to have this conversation? Seriously?"

"Damn straight we are!" Merle sniffed. "Lord Van is _mine_! I've pissed on him and everything!"

"So _that's _why he smells like cat pee-"

"He's _my_ territory!" Merle glared at the other girl, swishing her tail irritably. "Touch him and I'll scratch your face off."

"Oh, please!" Hitomi rolled her eyes. "You think I'm afraid of you?"

"I'm a cat," Merle told her. "Believe me, I'm _expert_ at burying dead things. I might even bring you to Lord Van as a trophy!"

"Are you high on some kitty litter, or is it catnip?" Hitomi had had enough of this.

"Catnip?! You got some?!" Merle shoved past her and began rummaging through her gym bag.

"Hey! You can't do that! Hands off!" Hitomi hollered.

"What's with the dirty magazines?" Merle asked, holding one up. Hitomi blushed.

"Those aren't mine, I swear!" She paused. "…They're Yukari's! I was just borrowing them! I was curious!"

"What's this?! Condoms and lube?! I _knew_ you were after Lord Van!"

"OH GODAMMIT YUKARI SERIOUSLY WHY WOULD I NEED THAT-"

"Ooh, _purty_!" Merle cooed, pulling out Hitomi's pink pendant. "Mine now. Bye." The cat-girl shot out the door and down the hall with Hitomi in hot pursuit.

"My Grandma gave that to me! Give it back!" She gasped, trying her hardest to shorten the distance between them. "Holy SHIT she's fast! Hey! Wanna join our track team?! We need the help and you've got great potential!"

Hitomi stopped short as she ran past an open door and cautiously peeked inside. In a darkened dojo, Van and Balgus were facing each other with drawn blades.

"Hee-_YAAAAHHH_!" Van shrieked a feral war cry before launching himself at the larger man. Balgus simply lifted a hand and easily batted Van's sword aside, sending the weapon flying to the other side of the room. Van stood there for a moment with his arm out, blinking rapidly.

"…Coulda _sworn_ I was just holding a sword-"

"Prince Van, you need more practice. You don't charge aggressively enough." Balgus paused. "Your weedy little arms don't help much, either."

"There goes my self-image," Van muttered.

"You've got to charge at me like you mean to _kill_ me," Balgus continued.

"But I don't _want_ to, Balgus." Van shook his head sadly. "I hate…killing, and blood, and pain, and war. I don't know…if I ever could…"

"Think of me as your _brother_," Balgus stated. Van's face contorted in rage.

"_Kill…blood must flow…must die…painful death…"_ He snarled out.

"That's the spirit." Balgus smiled, then finally noticed Hitomi at the door. He beckoned her closer. "Well, well. Come on in, young lady. What is it?"

Hitomi shyly approached and stared up at the enormous man in awe, his head almost brushing the ceiling.

"Your dick must be HUGE."

"Aaaaand it's time for the Coronation Ceremony," Balgus said quickly.

"Wait what-"

-At the Coronation Ceremony-

On a raised platform before the masses of Fanelia (and Hitomi), Balgus proudly presented Van with the Royal Sword of the King. Van, clad from head to toe in ceremonial armor, raised his head, expression solemn. He reached out a hand, took the sword, held it high…and promptly fell over in a crash of armor.

"Oh God it's all too heavy for him! I told you guys the armor weighed too much! Okay, I got it, we need a trade!" Balgus leaned over the now-King of Fanelia. "Quick, Van, what is your _least favorite_ accessory?" He studied him for a moment. "I'd suggest the boots."

-Outside Fanelia-

Away from the festivities/debacle, two watchmen posted at the entrance of the town looked out over the rolling hills, keeping their eyes open for anyone approaching, namely Jehova Witnesses.

"You know what?" One said suddenly. "For some strange reason, I can't remember my name today!"

"I can't remember mine, either!" The other one said. The pair was silent for a long moment as they mulled this over. "We are so fucking dead."

Immediately liquid-metal claws shot out of thin air and impaled the pitiful, nameless men. Outer buildings were smashed in an instant, and a small army of unseen attackers entered the town, footsteps echoing ominously amongst the houses. Fanelian soldiers and Samurai rushed forward to defend their home, but were easily picked off.

"WOW, those Jehova Witnesses have gotten REALLY aggressive with their recruiting campaign!" One Samurai gurgled as he bled to death, his Guymelef impaled by a liquid-metal spear. "Can I…have…a pamphlet?" Then he died.

"Um, you guys DO know we could just locate the enemy by watching for footprints, right?" A rather intelligent soldier pointed out. The others stopped randomly stabbing at the air with spears and stared at him as if he'd gone mad.

"Are you _daft_?!" One cried. "Watch for _footprints_?! That's doesn't make ANY sense whatsoever!"

"Yes it does!" The solider insisted. "Just listen to-"

*_SMASH_!*

Just then an unseen enemy stepped forward and crushed the man underfoot. The others soldiers stared at his bloody remains in silent contemplation.

"Ohhhh, I get it, he _does_ have a point," the other soldiers murmured amongst themselves. "We found one!" And then they were killed as well.

-Back With Van-

The battle in the town below could be seen from the coronation platform, and a Fanelian soldier came charging up the stairs on a horse.

"TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!" He shrieked aloud.

"Dude, that is NOT funny-"

"Actually, it kinda is, considering we're ALL GONNA FUCKING DIE-"

"Lord Van," Balgus turned to the boy, expression grim. "We're under attack. You've got to run. Go get the Escaflowne from the shrine and get outta here. Alright?"

"No! Never! I'll never abandon my people!" Van growled, refusing to budge.

"Well, alright," Balgus grunted, "but they _will_ most likely feed us our own intestines and jump rope with them if they win-"

"On second thought, fuck this country." Van scrambled out of the ill-fitting armor, back into his normal duds.

"Wait I haven't gotten to the part where they use our eyeballs in a game of marbles-"

"OKAY I GOT IT I'M GOING!" Grabbing Hitomi's hand, Van ran towards the shrine. The two entered, and Van strode onto the center of an elaborate mosaic painted on the floor. He solemnly gazed upwards at the chrysalis that hung from the ceiling. Hitomi saw it and made a face.

"How are we going to fight them with a _caterpillar_?!" She cried in despair.

"It's not a caterpillar!" Van barked.

"Oh." Hitomi paused. "How are we going to fight them with a _spider_-"

"It's a _Guymelef_, the _Escaflowne_!" Van exploded. He drew his Royal blade, and carefully began to slice his thumb open. "Now just hush while I- OH SHIT."

"Is that your thumb?" Hitomi stared at the severed appendage on the floor, eyes wide. "That's your thumb, isn't it?"

"Calm down, Hitomi," Van said through gritted teeth, holding his bleeding hand tightly. "I need you to-"

"HOW ARE WE GOING TO FIGHT THEM WITHOUT _THUMBS_?!"

"WELL WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO _FIND_ A WAY!"

Luckily for Van, Hitomi knew some emergency First Aid and was able to sew his thumb back on (though she put it on backwards the first try). A bit pale from blood loss, he held his gore-covered Energist aloft, the chrysalis glowing in response. It cracked and crumbled apart, a pristine white Guymelef floating regally down to land on the floor in front of him.

"S'up," a deep voice echoed from within the confines of the melef. "I'm the Escaflowne. You my new driver?" It paused. "You got some weedy little arms, man."

"It talks?" Hitomi asked, blinking.

"S'up, babe."

"I don't know how to turn it off," Van muttered as he clambered up onto the melef. The chest portion popped open and Van slipped in, settling himself onto the pilot seat. He reached out and manipulated the controls, the Escaflowne's gears slowly churning as the melef came to life. Hitomi cocked her head.

"Listen! They're singing!" She said. The Gregorian monks were at it again.

"_Eeeeessscaaaaafflllooowwwneee…Eeeeessscccaaaafffllooowwwneee_…"

"Yeah, yeah. They do that when something significant is happening. C'mon, let's get outta here." The Escaflowne reached down and picked Hitomi up off the ground. Van, however, needed more practice as a Guymelef pilot.

"_Organs…being…crushed_…" Hitomi gurgled, cross-eyed. "_Can't…breathe_…"

"Oh shit. Sorry." Van held Hitomi more delicately. She blinked as the air to the right of them suddenly shimmered strangely, almost as if…

"To your right, Van! Something's there!" She cried in warning. Van jerked the Escaflowne that way, quickly reaching an arm back and yanking its sword out from behind its head. He narrowly brought the weapon up in time to block the lethal liquid-metal blade of one of the unseen attackers.

"They're invisible?!" He cried in horror. "My GOD these Jehovah Witnesses are tenacious!"

"Are you KIDDING me?!" Hitomi shouted at him.

"No! They're so stubborn it's almost admirable!"

"I HOPE THEY KILL YOU FIRST!"

The air behind the fighting pair shimmered, and the arm of a Guymelef appeared. It took aim at the Escaflowne, but before it could fire its liquid metal…

"_I'll_ save you, Lord Van!" Balgus bellowed, appearing at the shrine entrance, clutching the handle of a 20-foot long sword. Straining all of his bulging muscles, veins popping out of his neck, Balgus _HEAVED_ at the sword and…

Nothing. The enormous blade stubbornly refused to lift from the ground. Panting from exertion, he tried again. And again.

"J…just a second, Lord Van! _Hrrgh_! I'll…save you in a minute! _HRRRRNGH_!"

"Sure, yeah. Take your time." Van replied mildly from the cockpit of the Escaflowne. "Don't, like, pop a nut or anything." The invisible Guymelefs stood around awkwardly, waiting for Balgus to attack them. Hitomi drummed her fingers on the Escaflowne's fist and checked her watch.

-Later-

Balgus was still grappling with the sword, red-faced and sweaty, muttering curses while trying to force the weapon to budge an inch. Close by, the Escaflowne, Hitomi, and the invisible melefs were engaged in a dynamic card game.

"Got any tens?" Van asked in a bored voice, the cards tiny in the Escaflowne's huge hand. The unseen melef jiggled its one visible hand holding its cards back and forth: a negative response.

"Damn." Van peered intently at his cards. "Fine, I'll go fish. You've got one _hell_ of a game face, I'll tell you that much."

-Even Later-

"Okay, we have _got_ to do something," Hitomi said, having grown impatient. "We can't just sit here all day waiting for him. I can't feel my toes."

The enemy melefs moved their visible arms up and down rapidly: they agreed. One of them stepped forward, snatched the large sword away from Balgus ("I almost _had_ it, you bastard! Give it back!"), sliced off one of its own arms, then jammed the blade into its faceplate. Now visible, the enemy Guymelef immediately keeled over and twitched a few times.

"…I'm awesome," Van said after a moment.

"It did it to ITSELF!" Hitomi cried.

"Yeah, cuz I'm awesome."

"Can we just GO?!"

"Fine, party-pooper." Van shrugged in agreement and the Escaflowne, Hitomi in hand, stormed out of the frying pan and into the fire.

_Literally_. Fanelia had been set ablaze by the enemy and was now a sizzlin' barbecue. Van gaped in horror as he watched everything that he once knew and loved burn into crispy oblivion. While he wept like a pansy, several more enemy Guymelefs surrounded the Escaflowne and began to take aim. But before they could strike…

"I'll save you, Lord Van! I _swear_ I will this time!" Balgus charged out of the shrine and towards the enemy melefs with absolutely no regard for his own safety. He didn't even look left and right before crossing the street. "Last time was a fluke, I've got this one for su- _Gaaak_!" One of the melefs shot a beam of liquid-metal at Balgus and stopped him short. He fell to the ground, clutching his lethal wound, and painfully lifted his head for some final words. "L…Lord Van…listen-"

"I'm, uh, over here, Balgus."

"Oh. Sorry." Balgus squinted through blurred eyes and located the Escaflowne. "Lord Van…listen to me…you must escape, so you can have your revenge, because revenge solves _everything_. Especially when it's served cold with cocktails. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must die in the most excruciatingly horrific way possible to further your mental trauma and weaken your already fragile hold on sanity."

"All right." Van agreed. "Please continue."

"_GAAAHHH! GNKKK! RAAWWWGGGHHH!"_ Balgus began clawing at his throat, eyes bulging, blood pooling beneath him in a crimson puddle. "Is that… _hamburgers_… I… smell?"

"Actually I think it's people-"

"Shh! Let him dream!" Van hushed Hitomi. "Yes, Balgus. Yes it is."

"Mmmm. _Ham…bur…gers_…" And with that, the large man flopped down in the dirt, dead.

"Well, this is fucked up," Hitomi stated matter-of-factly.

"Not as fucked as WE are right now!" Van pointed out, the enemy melefs and hungry flames crowding in closer.

"Oh, well." Hitomi shrugged, accepting her fate. "At least it's over quick, and I won't be seeing anything worse than an entire town slaughtered and cooked medium rare."

"You kidding?" The Escaflowne cut in with a laugh. "Honey, this has got _nothing_ on the shit-storm that's heading your way, believe me."

Hitomi gaped at it in horror.

"_WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT_-?!"

Responding to Hitomi's primal scream of fury, the oh-so-familiar beam o' light came to their rescue, blasting down from the heavens and scooping them up to safety.

"_How_ long is this fucking series?" Hitomi growled to herself as she, Van, and the Escaflowne floated up, up, and away.

-Episode 2 End-


End file.
